By Robert Scucci
| Published
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who see a title like 2017’s The VelociPastor streaming on Tubi and get excited, and fools with no taste for cinema whatsoever. Always destined to be a B-movie cult-classic, The VelociPastor boasts a $36,000 budget, and some of the most … let’s go with creative special effects as it tells a story about a pastor who turns into a velociraptor (hence its apt title), and goes on a rampage to avenge the deaths of his parents. If you want to be put in a schlock-and-awe induced trance, look no further than this Brendan Steere vehicle, which was simply conceived because his phone once autocorrected “velociraptor” to “Veloci Pastor.”
Looking for deeper meaning whenever you watch a movie? You may want to walk away from this one.
There’s Really Not Much Going On Here
The VelociPastor centers on Roman-Catholic priest Doug Jones (Gregory James Cohan), a God-fearing servant of the good word who goes on a soul-searching excursion in China after his parents are inexplicably blown up in a car-bombing (shown on-screen as plain text saying [VFX: car on fire]). During his trip abroad, which was encouraged by Father Stewart (Daniele Steere), Doug becomes infected with an ancient artifact that’s said to turn people into a mythical dragon warrior. Upon returning home, Doug experiences blackouts whenever he gets angry (like the Incredible Hulk), and wakes up with no recollection of whatever events transpired.
After waking up naked in a sex worker named Carol’s (Alyssa Kempinski) bed, Doug learns that during the unaccounted for time he’s experiencing he’s actually transforming into a velociraptor in The VelociPastor. Relieved that he didn’t engage in carnal activity with Carol, which would be a mortal sin, Doug is conflicted when she tells him that he should use his newfound powers to kill everybody who’s not seen worthy of salvation in the eyes of God.
Doug doesn’t want to become a vigilante dinosaur, but has no choice when speaking to Carol’s pimp, Frankie Mermaid, who shows up for confession and lets it slip that he’s responsible for his parent’s death. Making his mind up that he’ll take matters into his own hands, Doug is confronted by Father Stewart, who thinks he’ll be better off if he sees an exorcist so he can no longer hurt anybody in a fit of dino-induced fury.
Benefits From Its Low Budget
Knowing full-well that a low-budget creature feature would require either a healthy amount of ingenuity or a complete disregard for well-thought-out special effects, Brendan Steere opts for the latter scenario, as the titular VelociPastor is literally just an actor named Zach running around in a dinosaur suit while fighting ninjas with a sword. Never once taking itself seriously, even though its characters play it as straight as possible given the circumstances they find themselves in, The VelociPastor is everything that it’s trying to be, and more because you don’t even find yourself missing special effects. Sometimes, less is more, and the mental image of the above scenarios playing out in real life is why The VelociPastor is such an effectively hilarious experiment in filmmaking.
As of this writing, you can stream The VelociPastor for free on Tubi.
