By Robert Scucci
| Published
What do ancient prophecies, alien invasions, and a whole boatload of martial arts action sequences have in common? Well, if you combine them, you get Jiu Jitsu– a movie so bizarre and disjointed that it only earned $99,924 at the box office against its reported production budget of $25 million. Though I don’t suffer from amnesia like Jiu Jitsu’s protagonist, I still feel like I’ve stared at the sun for too long, and every time I blink I see those little floating orbs of color that pass through my field of vision but seemingly serve no purpose other than to confuse me about their reason for existing.
Relentlessly paced to the detriment of its own storytelling, and jam-packed with so much CGI, Jiu Jitsu barely makes any sense. But for some reason, it’s a whole lot of fun to look at, and definitely falls into my mental rolodex as a “flashy trash” flick that I’ll probably revisit at some point in the future when I need mindless escapism but don’t really want to pay attention to what’s at stake.
The Invaders Have Arrived
Jiu Jitsu starts off with a bang, and we’re introduced to Jake Barnes (Alain Moussi), a US soldier who finds himself running for his life from some yet-to-be-revealed supernatural monster. After falling off of a cliff, Jake is rescued by a couple of fishermen, who return him to what they assume is the military base he belongs to. Revealing that he has amnesia while being questioned by intelligence officer Myra (Marie Avgeropoulos), Jake isn’t able to offer any context about the unique situation he finds himself in, which, according to the fishermen, involves a comet that passes by Earth once every six years, resulting in a routine epic battle between the ancient order of superhuman martial artist known as Jiu Jitsu who are tasked with fighting off aliens whose end goal is to take over the planet.
Along the way, Jake becomes acquainted with Keung (Tony Jaa) and Harrington (Frank Grillo), two ambassadors of the Jiu Jitsu who recognize Jake as one of their own despite the fact that Jake has no recollection of the events leading up to his current situation. After being captured by the US military yet again, Jake has a run in with the leader of the alien invasion, Brax (Ryan Tarran), who effortlessly fights off the soldiers, compromising his position in the mission he has no clue how to carry out because he… still has amnesia.
Nicolas Cage Is An Eccentric Voice Of Reason
After meeting a cave-dwelling Jiu Jitsu veteran named Wylie (Nicolas Cage), Jake is told everything he needs to know, which in turn tells the audience everything they need to know because God knows we all need a crash course at this point in the movie. Wylie, who is a cross between a sage-like truth seeker and a bandana wearing Vietnam Veteran (think Lieutenant Dan from Forrest Gump but not nearly as depressing), explains Jake’s role in fighting off the alien invasion with the rest of the Jiu Jitsu soldiers, and then there’s a bunch of CGI action and portals and stuff that really bring it all home after Jake learns what it is that he actually needs to do.
Steaming Jiu Jitsu On Tubi
Jiu Jitsu is an interesting watch because its fight sequences are actually impressive at times– especially coming from Jake, who’s unaware of his own martial arts talents but finds himself kicking ass whenever the opportunity presents itself. However, when we get a look at the actual invaders, everything about this movie falls apart – action sequences included – because of how stupid they actually look.
I don’t personally know how much was spent on the CGI for this movie, but I have reason to believe that the production could have saved a ton of money if Brax and company were just regular humans with a glowing halo around them to indicate their alien origin instead of what we get, which are strange futuristic cosmonauts with silly helmets that move around so unnaturally that it’s hard to believe that they pose any actual threat to humanity.
Never not fun to look at, even if you’re laughing at its expense, Jiu Jitsu is an absolute mess, but its campiness somehow makes it work to a certain degree depending on your mood.
If you’re looking to be blown away by an enthralling sci-fi martial arts film in which the fate of humanity depends on a select few ancient Earthly soldiers who know all of the universe’s secrets, you’ll be gravely disappointed. But if you just want to watch a bunch of characters go from A to B, while somehow looping around the rest of the entire alphabet without really going much of anywhere, then Jiu Jitsu is the perfect flick to watch on Tubi while you work on some other, more fulfilling project while occasionally looking up for some ancient alien Jiu Jitsu action.
